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(no subject)  
11:43pm 18/08/2008
 
 
alessandra
I am a little overwhelmed.
 
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(no subject)  
02:11am 08/08/2008
 
 
alessandra
I have been walking for seven days toward everything that will let me approach it. I carry with me an empty white head and this thin-lipped, watery victory that sours like milk when I put it back down, I don't put it back down, when I put it back down I don't know if I am walking to or from something. I just know that I am walking in heavy boots.
 
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(no subject)  
03:48pm 07/08/2008
 
 
alessandra
Yesterday Doug and I were driving through the east side and we saw Mario Hilario just standing around being perfect on the corner of College and Benefit. Doug screamed I LOVE YOU MARIO while I just waved like an idiot...and Mario Hilario, he turned his immaculately manicured head towards us and waved back.

It was the crowning moment of my week.
 
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crying, she said  
10:13pm 01/08/2008
 
 
alessandra
"I was too stunned to tell Ashley how much I'm going to miss her. I'm afraid she doesn't know I love her. Tell her I love her."

Ok, mama. I think she knows.
 
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(no subject)  
02:23am 01/08/2008
 
 
alessandra
Maybe all of the things that are bothering me aren't concrete problems so much as offshoots of this restlessness of mine. "Pazienza, Alessandra." I don't have any of it anymore.
 
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(no subject)  
01:59pm 13/12/2007
 
 
alessandra
My father is the only person left in my immediate family who does not know that I am a base and despicable human being. Soon, at my mother's urging, he'll get it too.

This is not me fearing  punishment. This is me fearing alienation. If I can't redeem myself I will be cast out, I will become the Bla of this family except without the unwavering support of a fascist mother.

I am a bitch. I am unworthy of my circumstances. I cannot handle my mother's condescension, the way she inflicts her superiority. I cannot handle how little respect she has for me, I cannot handle much of her personality or the knowledge that I will end up embodying all of her worst qualities. But at the end of things this isn't her fault. This is my fault.

I am not yet eighteen and I have allowed myself to develop into the sort of creature that will drive everyone away.  I am repulsive.
 
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(no subject)  
04:30pm 05/12/2007
 
 
alessandra
Today I realized that I need to start keeping this journal again.

I also realized that if I don't stop eating what I'm eating the way I'm eating it I'll be dead before long, and that my sister will always consider me largely unworthy of her consideration.

I am crabby and I gained four pounds, something needs to be done about this.
mood: crankycranky
 
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(no subject)  
11:17am 18/11/2007
 
 
alessandra
YOU'RE DEPRESSED, YOU'RE CONFLICTED, IT'S HER FAULT.
YOU ARE PUTTING OUR RELATIONSHIP ON THE LINE
OUR RELATIONSHIP
YOU BASTARD, I'VE LOVED YOU FOR TEN YEARS.
TEN FUCKING YEARS,
I'VE LOOKED AFTER YOU, I'VE STOOD UP FOR YOU, WE'VE HAD THE BEST FUCKING TIMES OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER.
THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU HAD NOBODY ELSE,
BUT YOU STILL HAD ME.
THERE WERE TIMES WHEN I HAD NOBODY ELSE,
AND I STILL HAD YOU.
YOU'RE MY FUCKING BROTHER
AND YOU'RE LETTING THIS MEANINGLESS GIRL MANIPULATE YOU INTO LEAVING ME
(LEAVING US, YOUR BEST FRIENDS).
WHAT CREDIT HAS SHE EARNED TO OUTWEIGH A WORD THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN GOOD TO YOU?
HAVE HER PAST MISGIVINGS TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?
HAVE MY PAST KINDNESSES TOUCHED YOU AT ALL?
AND HOW DARE YOU,
HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT I AM BEING UNKIND TO HER,
HOW DARE YOU CLOTHE YOURSELF IN THIS INCREDULOUS, SELF-RIGHTEOUS BULLSHIT AFTER TURNING A DEAF EAR TO MY PLEAS FOR THE RESPECT OF A
RESPECTABLE
HUMAN BEING.
THE FIRST SIX MONTHS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WERE NOTHING BUT MOCKERY FROM YOU AND YOURS,
AND YOU EXPECT ME TO FEEL BAD FOR A COUPLE OF MISCONSTRUED, OVERBLOWN AND, IN MOST CASES, UTTERLY FABRICATED ACTS OF ALLEGED UNKINDNESS?
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND
SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND
SHE'S NOT EVEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND.


DO YOU REALLY THINK SHE'S WORTH ALL OF THIS?

you poor naive son of a bitch.

























I'm going to have to give up, aren't I? you would think I am angry from reading this but really I am crushed.

polar bear, you are breaking my heart.
 
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(no subject)  
05:46pm 29/10/2007
 
 
alessandra
you fuck with my best friend
you fuck with my sister
you fuck with me.




















bitch, it's on.
 
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(no subject)  
07:20pm 23/10/2007
 
 
alessandra
"[mother], you bastard, I'm through."
 
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